Easter Egg Nausea
by kaMikaZeneKo18
Summary: L has to fill in for Roger and there are 4 orphans pissing him off. Mello, Matt, Near, and B have everything to gain. L has everything to lose.
1. Dismay

SPOILER WARNING: Well... Er... the DISCLAIMER's a spoiler... So if ye haven't read/watched all of Death Note skip the DISCLAIMER, quick, do it now! Also, possibly more spoilers...

Side Notes: Kaze, Neko, and I are too lazy to proofread our own work or get a beta, so you proofread for us, Kk? No, seriously. We're in a national debate about getting a beta reader but Neko's still in a pissy mood since the last one. :) (secret)

This story is really OOC, along with all of the character's in it, that's what makes it Crackish. :D

Also, on my last reading test-thingy I scored over 100 (+ Extra Credits) So now I'm like best reada' in the writing school! (That makes no sense. XD) (Not)

This chapter may suck majorly due to any of the following reasons:

1. I have no life--wait what...?!

2. I ate some clams for breakfast...

3. I was bored and didn't plan to make this a story--but I did. -Coolish nod-

4. I'll list my/'our' possy's little name's and what we specialize in:

Kami (Me): Analogy writing and coolish smart conflictions. :D

Kaze: Da funny brother. She's the one who does the funnies.

Neko: Romance/Angst writer, yes she's that cool.

So as you can see I'm not writing anything I specialize in. AWKWARD.

You no like 'Shonen ai'? No watchie--no readie, Kk? Kk.

DISCLAIMER: Death Note is not mine, if it was L, Mello, and Matt would still be with us today. It is owned by Tsugumi Ohba, Takeshi Obata, and the publishers.

* * *

It was the day before Easter when Roger decided come down with a cold.

It was also the day that Watari became an ass-licking sadist.

And it just so happened to be the day our favorite sugar-coated detective humbly, promptly at that, offered to fill-in for Roger at the orphanage in Winchester England, referred to as the Wammy's House.

* * *

"_But Watari…!" The unhappy detective screamed into the cell phone receiver, "I don't want to baby sit hundreds of yellow lemons!"_

"_L—Ryuzaki, for the last time they're children, NOT lemons and it will do you some good to bond with your future successors, besides Oprah's on. You know how much I love Oprah." Watari's voice went from calming to venomous, and just to prove a point Watari grabbed a stack of his pornographic magazines and held them near the receiver of the phone, "__If you so much as protest," Watari's voice was monotone and low, "I'll do the same thing to you I'm doing right now to my porn-o magazines."_

"_W-What are you doing to them right now…?" The detective Ryuzaki stammered while feverishly biting his nails._

"_I'm fucking them." Watari hissed into the receiver while making girlish 'oos' and 'aahs'._

_Ryuzaki gasped, screamed in angst and astonishing horror, and dropped the phone then ran to the nearest taxi cab._

* * *

OK… so maybe L didn't offer, but all the same he ended up in the same place all because of some 'porn-o' magazines.

"Aiight," L's monotone voice exploded from the speakers and into the orphanage playroom full of lemons—children. "5 rules, lemons, 1. Don't come into my office—"

"I think you mean Mr. Roger's office…" A blonde-haired girl named Linda perked up.

"Look here, lemon.." The voice boomed throughout the room. "I don't care who t'hell's office it is, it's mine and I'm loving it."

"Eww! Really?!" Another girl protested in disgust.

The detective sighed, what a bunch of sorry-ass lemons—but if it would get them to shut the hell up, it was a reputation WORTH being wasted. "Yes, I've been fucking this office ever since the day I got here. It smells of sperm, sweat, and an intoxicating radiance known as L. By that I mean I'm hot as hell—get it a pun?"

"..."

When none of the children responded L exploded, "#!! YOU LEMONS ARE DISRESPECTFUL, WATARI TAUGHT ME THAT PUN!!"

All of the children booed except for two male bodies huddled behind a curtain in the back of a room.

"You know Matty-kins," The fair-skinned blonde ended the lip-lock with his friend.

The other boy moaned and began to run his fingers up the blonde's long slender back.

"Matt…" The blonde pulled away.

The red-head responded with another moan and lunged closer only to be separated from his friend-and lover by two glove-covered hands once more.

"Awe, Whaaat, Mel… I was just getting started—"

"Matt, you'd do anything for me, right?"

"Ya-huh." The red-head nodded his head in acknowledgement.

"I've always admired L, you know that—"The blonde began only to be rudely cut off.

"You LOVE him, you fucking boob. Your cock is mine, for all I care L can have his name written in that notebook by that… Err Kia guy."

"But Matt… I thought you loved me?" The blonde whispered into the red-head's ear only to be glomped ferociously by his friend once more.

"Yes, Mel, I do; you **and **your cock. I'm not just going to let you fuck some other guy—probably a middle-aged man without me getting half."

"You get me into his office and you can have the top half, I'll have the bottom."

"It's a done deal."

* * *

Ok well... It's not where I want it to be but it'll get there if you guys Rate and Review. :D

I like constructive criticism, don't be shy!

I'm not used to writing crack/humor, so you guys tell me if I went overboard, if there wasn't enough romance, if there wasn't enough description, or anything of the sort! :D

The next chapter will include Near and I will also be parterning up with one of my 2 partners in crime, Kaze, whom none of you know! :D (kaMikaZeneKo18 -- cuz, like these are our nicknames and we're 18 c'yeah.

**Will L and his 'sperm filled office' become more victims of Mello and Matt's seductive, against-the-law, rape? Where's Near? And what are L's other 4 'rules', anyways?**

You'll only get another chapter if you R&R, so do it I say! :- I'm debating on whether to add Light into this and make him a victim of Near's 'Yo' Mama' jokes and maybe Mello/L/Matt rape, who's with me?


	2. It's Always Raining

Well Kaze and I (Kami) have teamed up to make the second chapted to EEN. Hope you like it. I think I/we will try to upload at least 1-2 chapters to any one of our fan fictions that are currently running at least on the weekends every 1-2 weeks, if we don't set a goal we'll procrastinate again, you don't want that do you? :P

Disclaimer: I own nothing, wish I did, but still don't.

BTW, ame means rain in Japanese.

* * *

"But, _Watari…" _pleaded L, hoping the elderly man on the other end of the receiver was listening, "I don't want to babysit for a whole 'nother week!"

"No buts," responded the elderly man.

"But," pleaded L.

"You have to," Watari paused, "It will be fun."

"Fuck no, the curtains were _talking_."

"Did you take your medicine, L-kun?"

"This is England, old man," L barked into the phone, "AND YES I DID TAKE MY MEDICINE!"

"Chill-lax, we don't need you becoming ill too."

Suddenly a new voice erupted from Watari's side of the phone, **"is that you, lil-L??"**

Suddenly a spark flew through L's eyes, a spark that could have lit up even the darkest room in the darkest of its hours, "Is that you, Roger?"

**"Yes, lil-L it is!!11!!"**

"NO IT'S NOT, ROGER SHUT THE F—" Sadly L never heard Watari, in all of his fury, ever finish his sentence, all he did hear was the dial tone.

L sighed, he must be dreaming. _Sure, his life was fucked up, but someone must have screwed with his life beyond belief. What sadistic god could have done this? I mean, god damnit, he put criminals behind bars for a living._ And with that same thought L drifted off to a deep, dark sleep.

* * *

_He was on a rooftop, it was raining. The air was cool and wet, L always loved the rain, it reminded him of himself, cold and concealed, misunderstood, and surely sad and unfulfilled. Without a doubt._

"_What are you doing out there by yourself?" Came a voice in the distance._

_Surely that statement could not be directed towards him?_

"_What are you doing out there by yourself " Now the voice was yelling, what was so important?_

_L looked in the direction of the voice, sure enough someone was calling out to him, but why? Something was strange, and then the man's ebony eyes sparked up with fright, maybe assurance? He wasn't in England anymore and the man, or rather __**boy **__calling out to him looked of Asian descent, possibly Thai? Maybe Chinese or Japanese?_

_The young boy looked vulnerable and slender, his hair damp, he was the __**Light**__ in this cold, but calming weather. L cupped his hand to his ear, what on earth did that boy want?_

_Suddenly the young auburn haired boy walked across the rooftop towards himself, using his hand to shield his eyes from the rain, though it wouldn't even take a detective to notice that his brown eyes were indeed getting soaked anyway, along with every other part of the young boy's clothes and pants._

"_I said, "What are you doing out here, __**Ryuzaki**__?"" The boy repeated, impatiently._

"_Nothing," replied the somewhat elder man, "I just like the rain, that's all." __Why did this boy know one of his aliases?_

"_The rain…?" The younger male replied, trying as hard as ever to sound interested._

"_Yes, the rain. I just felt the need more than ever to listen to the rain today."_

* * *

"Ame? I don't hear anything."

"_What do you mean? It's pouring." Something was different about the younger, brown eyed male's voice… it was deeper, but there was something else._

"You daft man, the sun is as bright as ever…" suddenly a painful jolt in his thy sent the detective bolt upright in his chair, "and besides," the voice continued, "this is England, not Japan, there's absolutely no need to speak anything other than you native tongue," the voice paused for a quick breath, "and in case you didn't know your native tongue is **English**."

"Wuh…" Suddenly the detective came back to reality, he had fallen asleep in his chair (or rather Roger's chair, but still), it was past noon and there was a white haired boy, with pale skin relevant to his, standing—or rather sitting in front of him.

"Who the fuck are you?!" L attempted to sound fierce but all he managed was a raspy tone followed with a squeak around the word fuck, every word after that was completely uneligible.

"Near." replied the boy, his tone dull and flat.

"Why the fuck are you here?!"

"Yo mama is sleeping in my room."

* * *

So how'd you like it? :D R&R please. L's dream was supposed to be a rip off of the scene in episode 25, possible Light in this story for reals? Only if you tell me what you want in your reviews!

* * *


	3. Shame

Sadly no Light will be in this chapter, he may end up being in L's dreams again in the next few chapters.

This chapter is short and sweet. (Sorry. xD) I didn't have much motivation, as I have (hopefully) said before the more motivation (Meaning reviews) I have, the faster the chapters come, they're usually a little longer as well.

I have decided that Light will probably make more of an appearance in this story, possibly even L, Mello, Near, and Matt meeting him in person for some unearthly reason. Do you want Matsuda to make one as well... maybe even Beyond Birthday?

You'll have to tell me in your review.

Please... I'm begging you. xD

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

"Well, Near. I can assure you my mother is not sleeping in your room."

"I beg to differ."

"Really?" L replied; his voice thick and drenched in sarcasm, "Well whether she is or is not it doesn't concern me in the least."

A deep, dreary silence fell upon the room.

"…"

"…"

"You betta get yo mama out of my damn room, detective."

"Bite me," hissed the older man.

At this, as if knowing the conversation was coming to physical warfare, the young boy launched himself at the detective, digging his teeth deep into L's left arm, leaving him cringing in pain.

"You know you have very, very sharp teeth—"

"Yes, I know," replied the younger boy wiping the red blood of his superior off of his lips.

"I'm _not_ finished," hissed the detective.

"I never said you were, by all means continue," the albino paused, searching for more cold words deep inside of his huge vocabulary.

"Anyways… you should take into consideration just who you are biting, little boy!" L heaved himself up off of the chair and in a quick, well thought out swipe had the young boy tumbling onto the floor in a disarray of hair, clothes, and skin.

"So, is my mama still in your room?" The detective gently tugged down the albino boy's silk pajama pants, his intention clear to see.

"No," replied the younger boy airily, "but I can tell someone wants in my pants."

"But you want that very much, don't you?"

Suddenly Near grabbed the detective's hands, pulling hard, at just the right moment to send a stunned L sprawling on top of him, missing the floor not by much.

"_Help!" _The young boy skillfully faked a loud shriek_, "Help!"_

* * *

A red headed male diverted his attention away from his video game long enough to casually open the door to Roger's office, gracing him and his blond haired, blue eyed friend with a very sexually explicit scene.

"…It's just Near, Mel," sighed the red head, powering off his DS.

"I can see that Matt," the blond did everything in his power to stop himself from lashing out at the other boy, physically, verbally, and sexually; this of course being taking deep slow breaths, biting into a piece of rich, dark chocolate, and clenching his fists in rage.

Suddenly Matt's face lit up, his eyes finally taking in the scene before him, "That's rape isn't it, Mel?"

"Yes," came the reply, shaky with anger, "I'm surprised you actually have something up there in that hollow skull of yours."

The only thing that made it into the red head's ears was _"Yes"_.

"So," the gamer exclaimed jovially, "we can bang Near, too?"

The slightly older boy put his head in his hands, "You idiot."

Seeing his faux plea for help had gone unnoticed—or rather noticed but uncared for the albino lost his patience, "Uhm… sorry to end your conversation on that very sexually explicit note…" the exasperated Near began, "but maybe, I dunno… you could help a fellow out when he's about to be raped by a pedophile?"

Matt's eyes lit up, "Sure!" he approached the albino and leaned beside him, "where should I start?"

"_Matt…" _The blond only buried his head deeper in his hands, _"you deaf idiot."_


	4. Asperity

Well... I don't like this chapter very much, it troubled me greatly. It does mention Light and includes Beyond Birthday in it, though.

If you read this and don't understand what part I am intentionally having BB play in this, it's pretty much, "BB helps Near recover from his rape **with a price**." (Eventually Near ends up becoming like B in many ways. Possibly BxNear)

But does Near even really need to recover? Is he just trying to dig L into his grave? R&R and tell me what you want!

No seriously. I need motivation, I thank you all for reading! xD Tell me if anything is incorrect or if you think this is rushed, ect...

Oh, unless my math is wrong (which it probably is) it is only day 2 of L's one week stay at Wammy's.

Will he stay longer? Probably. This story is going to be A LOT longer than I expected it to be.

And in L's dream, L was again seeing what may end up being his future (but probably won't be), Light answered "...No." when L asked him about the rooftop rain thing (xD) because Light had yet to experience that yet seeing as the hotel scene comes before the rain scene in the anime!

...If that didn't make sense tell me.

**Disclaimer: I still own nothing.**

In this chapter Mello says, "If we told you, then we'd have to rape you."

I don't claim to own that quote in anyway. I edited it to my liking but as you can see it is not originally mine.

For some reason this story seems to be slightly less funny than it was in the beginning. Is that really so? I must try harder if it is.

* * *

"I _didn't_ rape him!" The raven-haired detective screeched.

"Of course you didn't," came the more than vulgar response, "That's why Near's locked himself in his damn room probably carving himself up with a knife, that's also why I had to come all the way back to this fucking orphanage—"

The younger man sighed, his life was falling _apart_. _Why was Watari even here... why not Roger? _"I'm sure the lemon is fine, Watari, besides the red head–what was his name… Matt? He did most of the—"

The elder man clenched his fists in rage, "That's not the damn point!"

"Whatever is the point, Watari?" Came the nonchalant reply, the other man was now clearly a bit _too_ fascinated with his overflowing cup of coffee, mainly consisting of marshmallows, to even take into consideration what was about to happen next.

A hard, sharp pain radiated off of his facial features.

Watari had slapped him, _hard_.

As painful as that was, the detective was definitely a blessed child, yet again he had escaped from the mad, deranged old man whose voice was now resounding throughout all of what was now the sad excuse of a once proud place, gifted with the name of _Wammy's house_.

Lucky L was out cold.

* * *

Outside of what was now the detective's "sperm-filled office, spiced with a little sweat and an intoxicating radiance known as L (that now could be mistaken for some _other_ bodily fluids)" A gale of wind was stirring.

A new plot was brewing inside of a completely insane, sick, and twisted individual's mind.

That individual was known as **"B"**.

The raven-haired delinquent, as sick as he was, was even younger than L himself. He silently crept away from the door, his destination only known to himself.

I will tell you now, though. If you guessed "Near's room" you are most certainly correct._

* * *

L found himself sitting on a sofa, in a hotel room. Sitting before him, on another sofa was a blond woman about the age of 20 and a young, brown haired man. Possibly a young couple?_

_No. They did not look like a couple, at least not a happy one._

_No… there was something more._

_The detective looked down on to a table; there was a piece of cake, creamy delicate, delicious cake. Letting his fetish take over he reached for a fork, arranging it in his hands in that custom he was so used to, he reached for the cake._

"_Hey!" The young, blond woman, dressed in some rather __interesting__ attire suddenly squealed, "Are you not going to share with Light-kun and I?!" The anger on her face, surprisingly clear caught the detective in alarm, "Misa doesn't like selfish ones!"_

_Why the fuck should he share?__ "Well…" the detective responded, his English accent breaking the folds of what he thought was the best impression of his now improved Japanese accent, "uh… what's your name?"_

"_Uhm… Amane Misa…" replied the blond in an awkward manner._

_The detective just shrugged it off, "Well, Amane-san… Light-sa—kun… do you actually want some of the cake?"_

"_No, cake makes you fat!" Misa commenced her squealing once more, then after a pricey amount of time quieted down, "…I guess it's nice you offered, though."_

"_What about you, Light-kun?"_

_The boy shook his head, his auburn hair fraying two and fro, "No, I am full Ryuzaki."_

_Suddenly it all came back to the raven-haired man, the rainy night, the rooftop…_

_But mainly the young, Japanese boy, though before he was only dreaming, the situation felt even more real now._

"_Light-kun…" The detective let his ebony eyes wander away from the cake and to the young boy's face, "What is your surname?"_

"_Uh…" Light attempted to reply amicably, "it is Yagami." _

"_Do you remember standing on a roof top, calling out to me in the rain?"_

_Light hesitated for a moment, "…No."_

"_Are you sure?"_

"_See!" Misa exclaimed, her voice had strangely deepened, "I told you that man was crazy Mel, I told ya!"_

* * *

What the detective had thought to have been Misa's voice had suddenly turned into a rather jovial shriek, giving L more than enough time to open his eyes in pain, right before being pounced upon by a rather emotionally unstable Mello, attempting to molest him wholeheartedly.

"**GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!!!" **The detective screamed, thrashing about in Roger's chair under the blond's surprisingly heavy weight.

"Remember Mel," the raven-haired man cocked his head just enough to the side to see the red headed gamer strip himself of his shirt, "I get top, you get bottom."

"Yeah, whatever Matt," came the slightly vexed response.

"**WHERE THE FUCK IS WATARI!?!?!?" **The older man screeched, attempting in vain to make the words sound at least slightly eligible.

"If we told you," the blond lent down even farther onto the detective, crushing him with his weight, "then we'd have to rape you."

"He's in Near's room," came the chancy red head's vivacious voice, as he approached Mello and L.

"_Matt," _the blond clenched his fists, not even realizing that in reality he was cutting off the blood flow to the delicate wrists of the detective below him, "_you idiot!"_


	5. An Idiocy Known as Lawliet

This chapter is so short because I felt guilty about not uploading something for Halloween, so I rushed. xD I don't even know what will happen with this story any more.

_Please_ review, please. I'm begging you. I want to know what you think of this story/chapter, don't be shy! I like constructive criticsm.

Oh, the next chapter will hopefully be longer, BTW. I just had to get this out of my system.

This chapter and probably the whole story itself will have nothing to do with Halloween or Easter, what fun! xD

This chapter isn't long or too funny, but please bare with me. This just had to be done.

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, nothing at all.**

Again please review!

Ahh... I almost forgot! On the last chapter I said L had been at Wammy's for 2/7 days of the week since Watari lengthened the detective's stay. That it was, Watari must not have left England for his vacation, as he arrived at the orphanage pretty fast. xD

I have not been directly stating what day it is in the chapters themselves, it is still day 2 of L's 7 day "visit" to Wammy's. xD He should be having fun.

If anything is inaccurate please tell me.

* * *

By the time the raven haired man had hobbled out of the office, news of Near's rape had spread fast, the detective's thoughts were congested together and hazy but after he regained his trace of thought there were only two things on his mind.

**Revenge and Watari.**

Mello and Matt, despite how much he contemplated over the thought and **wanted** to wring their necks, would have to wait for their demise, what was more important to the detective at the moment was Watari.

As he passed by a group of nearby girls in the hallway on the way to Near's room they started giggling.

"_Look," a brown haired girl motioned towards L, covering her mouth, even though her puny hands were not even half the size of her glowing smile._

"_He's not wearing any clothes!" Another girl shouted._

Suddenly the whole group was in an uproar, sure enough, though. The detective was naked, if it wasn't for the girls' sense of humor they surely would have been scarred for life; an older man not even wearing underwear in the least is not something a child's eyes should catch sight of.

L just continued walking, sharpening his pace. There were _numerous_ things he had to discuss with Watari. The top priority being more than just a suspicion that the old man had bitch slapped him.

When L reached Near's door he did not even hesitate to rabidly yank it open. Something that rash blond, Mello would had done, which of course, some way or another would have lead to his ever impending doom.

It was an idiotic move on the detective's part. …Well, after all, Mello had been inside of his body, maybe he was inheriting one or more of chocolate lover's weaknesses, can you honestly blame the poor man?

At the sight of the detective, Near who was being embraced by the arms of Beyond Birthday started weeping, all according to plan.

* * *

Behind the albino's snow white hair was where the young, raven-haired delinquent hid his ever-growing, sadistic grin.

* * *

Suddenly, a cold, metallic feeling found its way around L's wrists. The detective looked down right before his hands were vigorously yanked behind him.

Somebody had secured handcuffs around his slender wrists, but not just anybody: an elder man, who was widely known around all parts of Wammy's as _Watari_.


	6. Deceit

I've had the idea of gasoline and matches for quite some time.

Matsuda will be in this story!

So will Light!

Possibly Mikami!

...Just not in this chapter! :O

From now on I will actually have to plan out the rest of this story.

This was one of the things I had heavily planned out for quite some time. This was actually one of the _only_ things I had planned out.

**_Please review, please._**

Tell me if anything is inaccurate. The next chapter will probably be longer.

It is still day 2/7 of L's one week stay at Wammy's.

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

Ugh, I feel so guilty for treating L this way! xD

* * *

"_Watari," _came the frustrated cry as the detective's face was forced into the carpet flooring of Near's closet, "what the fuck's going on?!"

L watched as the elder man slowly took a step back from him, deciding what to do.

Watari sighed, "L… B believes you are a threat to Near and the other children at Wammy's…" the man paused taking a breath, "that's why I'm locking you in here and—"

"You could just let me leave this damn place," the detective countered, his reply more than vexed.

"B believes you have AIDS, L…" The man unexpectedly shifted his body towards the detective, much faster than L had ever seen the man move before, "I have no intention of letting the police know about your… _situation_ with Near and possibly more of the children here." Watari began digging through the pockets of his shirt until he found more handcuffs, _not _surprisingly catching the detective off guard his old yet crafty hands secured the device around L's already bound arms and a nearby toy chest built into the wall.

"_Watari, you ass—"_ the detective tried to lunge at the man, his attempt unfruitful.

"_Damnit! I'm going to kill y—"L_ never got to finish his statement, all his coarseness achieved him was a wet rag stuffed into his ever more filthy mouth. After this the man backed away from the detective this time being the last time for quite some while.

The last thing L heard the old man say was, "your replacement for the time being is _Matsuda Touta_."

* * *

As Watari stepped outside of the closet and into Near's living room the only thing he did notice was that B and Near were nowhere to be found, not that their whereabouts mattered to him in the least.

And as Watari finally made his way out of Near's room the things replacing both the albino's and delinquent's absences remained unseen.

A left behind _chocolate bar_ and a _Nintendo DS_ had found their way into a secluded area of the room, under an unplugged lampshade that was safely hidden behind a television set.

* * *

Inside of young Nate River's bathroom a group of four boys were having a discussion.

Not just any discussion.

Not a discussion about sex, as much as we all were expecting that much.

A simple discussion about gasoline and matches.

And the world's greatest detective.

Do you see where this is going?

* * *

**A/N**

Yes, those four boys are Mello, Matt, Near, and B.

Please review, please! xD Give me your inspiration!


	7. Saturate

No L or Matsuda in this chapter! Aww.

This was personally just a _fun _chapter, not much else. Not too long, either.

Thank you for the reviews I have been getting, I would appreciate more! Good or bad!

I tried not to explain anything else in this chapter other than the fact that Near and B are trying to kill L, and have also gotten the... assistance of Mello and Matt in the process. I was going to add L into this chapter, but I'm still contemplating what to do with him.

What would you like to see happen with L? Obviously he probably won't die, but I already have set in place that he will end up inside of a fire. Would you like to see him get back at Near, B, Mello, and Matt or what?

I hope you enjoy this chapter!

This is still day 2/7 of L's visit, boy what a long day.

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

"Well," an exasperated raven-haired boy pressed, "do you understand now, Matt?"

"Yep," the response jovially sickening and too familiar.

B sighed, "You don't do you?"

"Course I do, right Mel?!"

The blond looked away, his face stricken with shame.

After a moment the albino chimed in, "It's highly unlikely that mush brain here does, B." Near commenced clearing the floor of his set of Legos, "I'm sure you have _numerous_ other plans that won't involve… _them_."

"What the fuck do you mean by '_them_'?!" The blond's eyes locked onto the albino, his face flushed red with anger, "Matt's the uncooperative one, here!"

"You're only cooperating so you can fuck the detective's dead corpse, which by now you should know, will be burned to the ground."

"Shut the fuck up, B!" Mello clenched his fists, crumbling the newly opened chocolate bar he had only just pulled out of his pocket in the process.

The raven-haired boy foresaw what his next remark would lead to, Mello either fucking him to death, or killing him on the spot then fucking his dead corpse. And even though the former was the more likely and the more painful, he did not hold his tongue, "So you're not going to admit it?"

"There's nothing to admit, now _shut up!_" The blond was now, more than ever seeping asperity… and gas.

"I hope you're content with disappointment," came the chancy response.

Mello slid off of the sink and made his way across the bathroom, his target insight, the only thing that could possibly stop him…

A goggle wearing, red-headed boy being completely oblivious to the situation at hand calling out, "I have to go to the bathroom!"

That same red-headed boy having been black mailed by a seemingly harmless _Nate River_.

The blond turned around, sending a scowl towards the red-head.

In that short amount of time Beyond Birthday had grabbed his golden hair and forced his face into the bowl of a toilet that had not been cleaned and would not be cleaned for years and years to come.

"It seems you are useful after all, Matt," B praised, his hands latched onto the blond's head, his weight coming down on that single area full force.

"No, B… I really have to go!"

"Well," B sighed, "Use Mello's bathroom, your little friend's having fun here, don't distu—"

In an instant Mello shifted out from under Beyond Birthday, before poor Beyond ever finished his sentence. His pride taken within a split second, Beyond's raven-haired head was dunked into the contents of the toilet bowl.

"You still have to go, Matt?"

"Yeah," the red-head stepped forward, unzipping his pants.


	8. Gambling

Yeah... I don't know anymore, really.

Long chapters FTW! :D

It is now day 3/7 of L's one week stay at Wammy's. (sp? -too lazy to look in the HTR 13-)

No Matsuda or Light... but there is gambling and B being vain, it that's interesting at all.

Tell me if anything doesn't make sense. And yes, B and Near ratted on Matt and Mello, hence why the two boys were locked in the closet with L.

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

You have to admit... BxNear is kind of cute, right...? (Though, I much prefer BxMello/Matt)

I dunno if this is how you play Go Fish, but this is how _I_ play it. xD

Review, please! This chapter is more serious than funny, especially the ending, but please go with it anyways! xD

* * *

"Gimme your Jacks, Mel!"

"…Go fish."

"Fuck you!" The red headed boy shifted across the floor, reaching towards the remains of the stock.

L quietly dug through the contents of his sleeves, pulling out a Queen of Hearts, he replaced the Jack of Spades currently in his hand with the Queen.

"Uh…" Mello began, "Do you have a Jack, L?"

"No, go fish."

L, along with his new companions, cramped inside of the albino's closet, played through the night; switching to and from different card games frequently. Did I mention they were avid gamblers? Mello lost his right to free speech and Matt lost his freedom all together.

L, being the crafty man that he is, cheated throughout all of the night and managed only to lose his right to alcohol of any kind.

He also did have to sign a contract, stating he would have to chop his dick off whenever the gamer or chocolate addict pleased. So, it was painfully obvious he would evidently lose his cock whenever the two younger boys deemed the time worthy.

The detective shuddered at the thought.

"So…" L sighed, having played card games for hours on hours; the boredom was taking its toll on him physically and mentally. He leaned against the wall, "Now will you tell me why Watari put you two in here?"

"No." The gamer replied.

"Are you forgetting you have not an ounce of freedom left? If you refuse your dictator your decapitated head ends up lying motionless on the ground… In other words if you don't tell me you'll be beheaded and yes…" L grinned, "that does mean _your_ death."

The red-head's face paled.

"We don't have to tell you!" Mello replied, his statement lavish with contradiction.

"You, lemon, do not have the right of free speech," Came the furious retort.

"What are you going to do, cry to your mommy—or Watari about it? Seriously, L."

"..."

"…Look," the vexed reply finally came after numerous seconds of nothing but silence and Matt's humming abruptly meeting their ends, "I just want to know what happened, to see if either of you are more of a liability than you were before."

"We don't owe, you, Watari, of Wammy's anything!" Mello's face flushed with great anger, "We even got the fucking handcuffs off of those damn wrists of yours! You should be grateful!"

All of the words after _"anything"_ never reached the detective's ears, or at least they did but only in a buzzing, ineligible way.

The usually stoic detective burst into cynical laughter, "You don't owe me _anything_?! What sick joke are _you_ trying to pull?! I've lost everything; I've been reduced to nothing!" L's lungs gasped for air as he waited for the narcissistic response.

It never did come; though, the thing that replaced it defied L's expectations, although if you knew the blond well enough, it probably would have defied yours as well.

Saying sorry isn't something that comes easily for Mello.

"I'm sorry" is also a phrase obscured deep within the contents of Mello's vocabulary intellect.

But all the same, the words came from the blond's mouth, shrouded in what the detective deemed not to be faux pity.

Though, that moment was ruined completely as Matt, using himself as a battering ram, fruitfully took down the door. Glee on his face he went back to the other two occupants to inform them of his success.

"I wonder how many brain cells you've just kille—"

"I don't think he has any left to kill, L." The chocolate addict interrupted with a smirk.

"Well, _sorry_!" The red head replied, his usually bashful face having been taken over by sarcasm.

"Sorry doesn't bash B and Near into a wall, Matt!"

It was now evident to L that the other two boys had a hate equivalent of his for Beyond Birthday and Nate River as well, and even though he wanted more than ever to use them as weapons in this unfolding war that was erupting between him, and the delinquent and albino (on a pathetic battleground, might I add!), he made a sarcastic remark nonetheless.

"Sorry also doesn't restore me, the great detective L, to his former glory. Does it, Mello?"

And so L crossed an invisible barrier no other person, knowledgeable of Mello's rash destructiveness, or not, would have touched with a 40 foot pole.

L crossed the line, it being a decision you cannot go back on; L had no choice but to keep moving forward, forward into the newly boiling cauldron of rage that was that of no one else but Mihael Keehl.

* * *

The albino sat unblinking as he watched Beyond Birthday smother his hair with shampoo for the fifteenth time that morning. The only thing keeping him in the delinquent's bathroom, being the mad man himself who had complained that his bathroom had not any mirrors (or that they made him look fat, though Nate respectfully disagreed, Beyond looked anything but _fat_), and the aroma radiating from the raven head, his choice of shampoo elegant and irresistible.

"I think it's all been washed out of your hair by now, B."

The delinquent sighed, lowering his head to rinse once more, "can you hand me the leave in conditioner, and the eyeliner, Near?"

"Why do you need eyeliner?"

After a good amount of time and hard scrubbing, B lifted his head, turning off the faucet.

As his scarlet eyes met Nate's, the albino could see that the bags that he lavished so, had disappeared; leaving behind a trace of what he now knew was eyeliner. The black liner ran all the way down B's left and right cheeks to his chin.

Even now, as he stared at the sadist, even in disappointment that the black bags were in fact eyeliner and not the consequence of staying up endless nights plotting revenge on L. B still took his breath away.

"Now you know, so give me it," the delinquent's voice came out, harsher than intended, though the younger boy obviously couldn't read B's mind. Oh, how he regretted taking his stress out on Near, as sadistic as he could be… Near was not an object that he could torment.

Though, he did have to admit, he did wonder what it would be like for a knife to gently pierce the snow white skin of the albino's. It may hurt the poor boy a little… but maybe Near could enjoy it as much as the master of the weapon could as well?

He shook his head to get rid of the thought.

Beyond watched Nate slowly raise himself from the floor, obviously not enjoying it a bit, he reached towards the cupboards right above the bathroom's faucet to retrieve the two objects he had requested. B could tell Near; try as he might, was suppressing a scowl.

"Wait…" the delinquent grabbed the albino's slender hands, "I'll get them."

"You told _me_ to get them." Near was obviously offended, perhaps thinking he had failed the quest he was given. Or maybe he was still angry at B for how he had addressed him earlier. It was probably the latter.

"I'm sorry, Near…" the raven-haired boy sighed yet again, making him look like a victim of depression, none the least.

The albino cocked his head to the side, "for what?"

"…For sounding so harsh earlier."

Near looked away, "It's OK, I guess… I mean, it's not like you meant it."

"You're not mad?"

The younger boy turned his head, his face incredulous and disbelieving, "why would I be?"

Beyond Birthday was never one for words.

He was also never one for intimacy, the only exception being when it was faked. But no sex, Beyond didn't do sex.

As Roger always said, as much as he hated the old coot, when Hell is thrown at you, choose the lesser of the two evils.

And so B did, the lesser evil again being the latter.

When Beyond Birthday wrapped Nate River in his warm embrace, he finally felt content with himself; he was the shield for the one he loved.

Never before had he felt the need to protect anyone, not until now.

Never before did he _not _feel the need to harm even one person, until now.

The one person who could fill Beyond's stone cold heart was Nate River.

But Nate River was also the one who could _take_ it, and that he did.

A sadistic, vain murderer finally admitted he had fallen victim to love.

And oh, it felt so _good._


End file.
